Richard and I were talking a bit on Sunday about some of the challenges that we might face in the coming years. I remember long before we were married, cataloging a mental list of DOs and DON'Ts for parenting. These weren't things others had told me, but things I had experienced as a non-parent that I would not want others to have to experience from my children or me, as a parent. When I'd make a comment about some of the items on this mental list, others would often say, "Just wait until you have kids. Then you'll understand." Some of those things, I still don't "understand" because I realize that a lot of things parents let their kids get away with may be "kids being kids", but still are impolite and things you would expect a parent to be embarrassed and discipline their children for.
I feel like, so far, Richard and I agree on reasons for (and methods of) discipline. What I think we both are going to (and already do) struggle with is being consistent with those methods of discipline. No matter how tired I am at the end of the day, if Reagan chooses to stand on the furniture, he must be disciplined so that he understands it's not safe to do that. If I allow him to do it one time without consequence, the point I am trying to make about safety and not standing on furniture will no longer mean anything to him. The same goes for playing in the dog food and opening cabinet doors in the kitchen. Consistency is the only way he will understand, but it's also the most challenging thing for me as a parent. Whenever I'm tempted to let him do something because it's the 15th time in the day that he's done it, I ask myself, "What will I be teaching him, if he's allowed to do it this time?" I know that he would think, "If I just wear Momma and Daddy out, I can do whatever I want."
Every day, I am reminded that I am no longer an entity unto myself. I have a husband, child, and dog to whom I have responsibilities. The day we adopted Rubix, I actually cried. Not from happiness, but fear. Richard was perfectly capable of caring for himself, but this dog we were taking home required attention, guidance, and care. She would not be able to do things without us. I worried about my ability to be a good "dog mom". Sounds silly, now that I'm putting this into words, but it was the first time in my life that I was truly responsible for another being. Adopting Rubix certainly made us less self-centered. We could no longer stay away from the house for extended periods of time without first checking on and walking her. Trips away from home meant taking her with us or finding someone to care for her while we were gone. We now had a dependent.
After having a child, the scariest day for me was the first day at home alone. My family members stayed with us in shifts for the first week, and Richard was home for half of the second week. The night before he went back to work, worry and fear set in. How was I going to take care of myself, a dog, a house, and a baby? After making it through the first day, then the first week, and then the first month, I started to get the hang of things.
Now, I've started thinking about the future with Reagan and any other children we are blessed to raise. I know that in the future, it will be important to allow our children to make choices of their own while still living with us, so that we can help guide them, rather than making all the decisions for them. This is such a terrifying thing for me to think about. I want our children to be capable of making wise choices while under our roof so when they get out on their own, they will already have that skill acquired. It's so hard to figure out how to guide without controlling the situation, especially when you don't want to see your children fail and get hurt. However, I realize that it's more important for them to struggle and fail while we're there to help them pick up the pieces, rather than when they're out on their own completely.
I guess I worry too much about the future. Something I'm learning is that God truly never gives you more than He knows you can handle. Being a parent can be awfully frightening when you look at the big picture. For some reason, when I pictured myself as a parent, I only saw myself as the parent of a newborn up through the toddler stage. I can't imagine myself as a parent of a preteen, teen, or adult. Am I the only parent who thinks like this? Reagan was given to us as a complete dependent. It is our job to train him how to be independent and hope that he takes what he learns and truly applies it in his life. I need to stop worrying so much and cast my cares on God. Please pray for me to increase my patience, maintain my consistency in discipline, and cease worrying about future parenting struggles. I need to focus on today and worry not about tomorrow!
Regression is my favorite Christmas present
6 years ago
I often think about these things too--especially the point about only really imagining yourself raising a kid at the age where they are (or a bit beyond).
ReplyDeleteI really don't have any much by way of answers, but I try to remind myself to always take it one day at a time. I am often encouraged by many of the slightly older moms who have kids (and more kids!) ahead of mine and realizing that they too, have survived and are thriving (or if not thriving, trying to figure it out).
It is not always easy, but it does seem to become increasingly rewarding. Even though it sounds impersonal, you will figure it out!!
God's grace is sufficient for each day :D
Well, it's like what I thought when I was getting concerned about childbirth. "Many women have been through this before me and did great. I can do this, too."
ReplyDeleteI like what you said about it not being easy, but increasingly rewarding. I see that every day in watching what new things Reagan learns to do.
Having children makes you learn how to share yourself in a way you could never do otherwise. I'm thankful Reagan has made me think less of myself and more of someone else.