Eyes Wide Open

"Words can be a sword to the heart... Sometimes there's truth in them.  Sometimes there isn't.  Go over what [was] said to you.  If there's any truth in it, you'll have to decide what to do with it.  As to the rest, try to let it go."

I read these words in a novel last week.  Little did I know they would be advice for me this week.

On Sunday, someone visiting at church wrote a note to Richard and I and asked us to read it together, understanding it was meant in love.  I won't go into detail about the note, but will say that it mentioned observations of our parenting style that had been made on a few visits to the congregation.  It also had advice, as this individual stated she had successfully raised 9 children of her own and has helped others with their children.

I'm not going to lie.  My reaction to her letter was not Christ-like in the beginning.  At first I was defensive.  That's not us.  She's got it all wrong.  We've got to tell her what was really going on.  She doesn't even know.  Then, I was embarrassed.  If a complete stranger thinks that of us, what do others think?  Then, I was angry.  Who does she think she is, writing a note like that?!  She didn't even bother to introduce herself to me!  She didn't even get to know us before doing that!  What gall!  Then, I was sad.  I can't believe someone would think that of us.  We're trying so hard to be good parents and set a good example.  I thought we were doing the right thing.  Then, I was doubtful.  Is she right?  Are we doing things the wrong way with Reagan?  Have I had it all wrong all this time?

The more that I thought about the note, the more concerned I got about my parenting decisions, the more I began to worry about what I was teaching my son by some of my choices with him.  I cried a good bit of the way home, going over my choices in my head.  Then, the quote from my novel came back to my mind. Words can be a sword to the heart... Sometimes there's truth in them.  Sometimes there isn't.  Go over what [was] said to you.  If there's any truth in it, you'll have to decide what to do with it.  As to the rest, try to let it go.

Some of the note was purely based on assumption.  However, some of the note was truly an outsider's view of what was going on in our family.  I knew what I had to do was take the "truth" written in this note and consider what to do with it.  I truly believe everything that happens to us is for a purpose.  In my heart, I know that this stranger was teaching me something I needed to know that would help me.  It took courage for her to write that note.  She mentioned to Richard, verbally, it was meant in love.  She wrote in the note that her intent was to help, in love.  God was working through this woman to bring something to our attention that we hadn't seen before.  We talked over some things and came up with a solution to the problem we were having.  I prayed that God would take away my anger and bitterness toward this woman, to let me see the good in what she had done.  He did.  By the next day, I was no longer defensive, embarrassed, angry, sad, or doubtful.  I was resolved and thankful.  I am thankful that someone had the courage to speak up early on before the problem (we didn't realize was there) had gotten worse.

Patience, the Virtue I need to Possess

Richard and I were talking a bit on Sunday about some of the challenges that we might face in the coming years.  I remember long before we were married, cataloging a mental list of DOs and DON'Ts for parenting.  These weren't things others had told me, but things I had experienced as a non-parent that I would not want others to have to experience from my children or me, as a parent.  When I'd make a comment about some of the items on this mental list, others would often say, "Just wait until you have kids.  Then you'll understand."  Some of those things, I still don't "understand" because I realize that a lot of things parents let their kids get away with may be "kids being kids", but still are impolite and things you would expect a parent to be embarrassed and discipline their children for.

I feel like, so far, Richard and I agree on reasons for (and methods of) discipline.  What I think we both are going to (and already do) struggle with is being consistent with those methods of discipline.  No matter how tired I am at the end of the day, if Reagan chooses to stand on the furniture, he must be disciplined so that he understands it's not safe to do that.  If I allow him to do it one time without consequence, the point I am trying to make about safety and not standing on furniture will no longer mean anything to him.  The same goes for playing in the dog food and opening cabinet doors in the kitchen.  Consistency is the only way he will understand, but it's also the most challenging thing for me as a parent.  Whenever I'm tempted to let him do something because it's the 15th time in the day that he's done it, I ask myself, "What will I be teaching him, if he's allowed to do it this time?"  I know that he would think, "If I just wear Momma and Daddy out, I can do whatever I want."

Every day, I am reminded that I am no longer an entity unto myself.  I have a husband, child, and dog to whom I have responsibilities.  The day we adopted Rubix, I actually cried.  Not from happiness, but fear.  Richard was perfectly capable of caring for himself, but this dog we were taking home required attention, guidance, and care.  She would not be able to do things without us.  I worried about my ability to be a good "dog mom".  Sounds silly, now that I'm putting this into words, but it was the first time in my life that I was truly responsible for another being.  Adopting Rubix certainly made us less self-centered.  We could no longer stay away from the house for extended periods of time without first checking on and walking her.  Trips away from home meant taking her with us or finding someone to care for her while we were gone.  We now had a dependent.

After having a child, the scariest day for me was the first day at home alone.  My family members stayed with us in shifts for the first week, and Richard was home for half of the second week.  The night before he went back to work, worry and fear set in.  How was I going to take care of myself, a dog, a house, and a baby?  After making it through the first day, then the first week, and then the first month, I started to get the hang of things.

Now, I've started thinking about the future with Reagan and any other children we are blessed to raise.  I know that in the future, it will be important to allow our children to make choices of their own while still living with us, so that we can help guide them, rather than making all the decisions for them.  This is such a terrifying thing for me to think about.  I want our children to be capable of making wise choices while under our roof so when they get out on their own, they will already have that skill acquired.  It's so hard to figure out how to guide without controlling the situation, especially when you don't want to see your children fail and get hurt.  However, I realize that it's more important for them to struggle and fail while we're there to help them pick up the pieces, rather than when they're out on their own completely.

I guess I worry too much about the future.  Something I'm learning is that God truly never gives you more than He knows you can handle.  Being a parent can be awfully frightening when you look at the big picture.  For some reason, when I pictured myself as a parent, I only saw myself as the parent of a newborn up through the toddler stage.  I can't imagine myself as a parent of a preteen, teen, or adult.  Am I the only parent who thinks like this?  Reagan was given to us as a complete dependent.  It is our job to train him how to be independent and hope that he takes what he learns and truly applies it in his life.  I need to stop worrying so much and cast my cares on God.  Please pray for me to increase my patience, maintain my consistency in discipline, and cease worrying about future parenting struggles.  I need to focus on today and worry not about tomorrow!